I don't wish to wake up
One way of thinking is that I am alive, and for this, I should be grateful; but is existing in a world of debt with years of being in a wheelchair with no money to spend living?
I ask myself one question - Is it better not to have had something, so you don't miss it, or is it better to have had that thing and lost it, leaving you with the memories of when you had the item?
The latest bad news is I have lesions on my kidneys.
I have slept long enough to have slept the clock around; one dream is to go to sleep one night and wake up having lost a day, not only 12 hours. Of course, the ultimate would be to go to sleep and not wake up.
I can think of reasons not to die, but none to live. The difference is the ideas for not dying are related to the effect my death would have on other people, whereas as my concepts of living are for what I may gain which is little, if anything, now all my wishes turned to ashes.
With the constant stress caused by endless interviews with ATOS and The Department of Works and Pensions about whether they consider I am disabled enough to maintain my payments at the present rate that does not allow me to pay my bills without using my overdraft and incurring crippling bank charges; it is not surprising that I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up.
If my family heritage is anything to go by, I have about 20 years of these inquests ahead, assuming I don't take commit suicide - www.alsdominion.co.uk/the-reading-room/is-suicide-a-sin - with the constant stress. Another effect is that the stress is causing me to have blackouts - www.alsdominion.co.uk/home/blackout - the last thing any government worries about is our mental health.