Do NOT dream of better things to come.
This post is not a sad Sunday post as you may think; it is about my life in general.
I wonder how much of my feeling of hopelessness can get attributed to finding out that I was not wanted? I doubt there is much in that news as I have always felt there was something wrong with me, mentally.
For years, I dreamt of being a writer, that was my first big mistake - dreaming of achieving something of note in my life - the cards were on the table even in my school days when I was I told that I had no concept of grammar.
Sure, I can tell excellent stories, but to be able to write them down is another problem. Still, I lingered in the dream that one day I'd be able to earn some money writing.
I did have a little success four years ago with my series of science fiction e-books, but that only lasted a few months; since then I kept going on fumes, until this year, when even the fumes of a distant hope ran out.
Over the past year, I have plenty of time to think things over; I can come up with several reasons not to die, but not one to keep living. To find a reason to live I would need to believe there is something good to come for me, and I can't think of anything that comes close to being good.
I've been forced to sell things and cut back to the point I rarely leave my room as all my money goes to paying the bills; is this all my life will be from now on?
This blog is an excellent example of my life; I spend hours writing stories for you to read, and what do I get in return? A slight increase in readers for the blog, but nobody is willing to pay even $1.50 for months of work, would you go on for less than the price of a cup of coffee a week?
Apparently, the DWP are monitoring the blog to attempt to gauge my mental health status; here is a news flash, this is the last place to find that out as I write the blog (for now) for your pleasure not to tell you how I feel. If I told you how I feel I would drive you away as most days I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up.
My e-book sales are so low I have not been paid in a year by Draft2Digital.
My last e-books are available from Amazon - www.amazon.com/-/e/B007U50BOI
I have several stories on here I could go writing, and many more either on file or as ideas in my mind, but to what end?
The Final Countdown has begun for me.
Whether it takes five days, five weeks, or five months is out of my remit to decide, the only thing for sure is I will not be writing by October at the latest.